Moments of Clarity

I have a few moments that I remember almost perfectly - right down to what I was wearing, saying, thinking...Moments that changed my life. Yes, this includes my wedding (though I remember less about this than I would like), the births of my kids, etc. But I've been thinking about one in particular a lot lately. I've never shared it with anyone. I was alone when it happened and there never seemed to be any reason. It was all about me at any rate. But I think I need to share it now, particularly with my husband.

Just over 5 years ago, November 4, 2003, my mother passed away after a very long (25 years) and hard fought battle with multiple myeloma. A couple of months later, I was driving out to lunch from my old office building. To Subway. I don't remember the exact date, but I know it was sometime after Christmas, but still in January. We had just found out we were having our 2nd child, but hadn't started telling anyone because I hadn't been to the doctor yet. We had all grieved, but her death was expected and she had lived longer than anyone thought she would. Both my sister & I were married, I had one child, my husband & I had moved back to my hometown just over a year before. In part, because I wanted to be there and in part so our child would get to spend a lot of time with his Oma. He was only 3, but I hear him sometimes telling his little brother who she is.

We had all gotten back into our routine, work, school, church, etc. And I was going out to lunch. It wasn't a long drive, but it struck me then that there are three places in this world a person can be: Where you want to be, where you need to be and where you are. And I realized that I was in all three places at once. It's what I had been searching for.

When I was in college, it was where I needed to be, but I wanted to move on. When I was in Smyrna, I never wanted to be there. It was only home because Glenn was there. But, it was where I needed to be and where I was. Even when we moved back to Hendersonville, I didn't realize that was where I needed to be until that moment. My mom needed to spend a lot of time with us, with my son and he needed to spend that time with her. I wanted to be home, I always had. And I was there.

It was at that point that I knew I was going to be okay without her. I hadn't been dwelling on my grief, but a weight lifted all the same. I know that I was only grieving for myself, my sister, my dad, my child, etc. Not for her. I realized at that moment that I was 31, the same age she was when she was diagnosed and that I needed to live like she had. Enjoying life, but never scared of dying. Knowing there was something better. And that I needed to make sure that I lived a life that meant I could join her when the time came.

I'm sorry that it took me 31 years to get there. I'm sorry that I don't remember that I'm still there often enough. I'm sorry that my husband is grieving for his mother. I need to share this with him, because he was there for me at every turn. Taking the children when I needed to be alone, ignoring Mother's Day because I just couldn't take it, making sure every birthday I've had since has been special (she was buried on my birthday). It's time that I let him know that it's going to be okay. That he can survive without her, even though he doesn't want to have to.

Always remember that life is shorter than you want it to be. Love those close to you, enjoy living, make the right choices, let people know how you feel about them. Live, Laugh, Love.